Oddities of Design

Play video games for long enough, and you encounter some features of those video games that on the one hand, we accept without question, yet on the other, are really quite daft when considered in the light of reason. RPG's are, perhaps, the most guilty of this kind of thing. For example, have you ever considered the large amount of money and items carried by even the most stupid and insignificant of monsters? I'm not a huge RPG fan, having extensively played FFVII and Xenogears, and a little FFVIII and that's about it, but all the money in these games is acquired by going out and slaughtering convenient monsters in "random encounters". Of course, in order to rise through the levels, these random encounters are really quite frequent, and much of the time I feel like I'm committing a form of genocide as the corpses pile up until images of Boris Vallejo and Frank Franzetta are running through my head. Where are these monsters coming from? Are they running off into the bushes to breed? Don't they see the bloodied bodies of their brethren scattered around the battlefield and figure "darn, there's a seriously deranged serial killer out there, I'd better hide"?

Obviously not, and I have a theory as to why. It's all the gold and items weighing them down. Half these poor creatures must be carrying backpacks full wherever they go. Now I know the general concept is that such loot has been acquired from their victims, but given the vast quantities gained from them subsequently, how did they get it all? The contents of a large city must have suddenly gotten depressed and decided in unison to go out unarmed and throw themselves at the monsters roaming the countryside unchecked. Not content with that, something similar must have occurred all over the planet you are playing on, even in the impossible to reach areas. Perhaps the more affluent monsters in ridiculously inaccessible locations happened upon an army of rich pacifist pilgrims. All this is a throwback to the pen and paper RPG's some of us used to play. In my particular case it was AD&D, and the same features were commented upon then. Indeed, I used to write my own adventures, and money and items were not liberally scattered around the landscape as a result. Consequently my games had a reputation for being complete *@#$@%^# to play, but seemed to be popular. I was rarely without some volunteers to try out my latest concoction, even if some were trying it for the second time around. Why? I can only think that it was the design and content of the game, rather than the loot.

Mentioning AD&D brings me to the next illogical feature of some video games that we generally accept without question. Golf bag syndrome. In AD&D, even the most lowly of wizards eventually ends up with a plethora of wands and staves in such abundance that a pack train a mile long must be required to follow the character wherever he or she goes. Not only that, but every finger is laden with rings three deep to the extent that the fighters are starting to get envious of the stunning blows you can deliver. RPG's are guilty of this, as a look at the huge list of items you're carrying in FFVII will reveal. Were I in their position I would sell the lot and retire. However to my mind the game most guilty of golf bag syndrome is the first person shooter. You switch blithely from weapon to weapon for half an hour without coming across the same implement twice. Think about it. Do you think the Doom Guy is really capable of carrying a chainsaw, a pistol, a shotgun, a minigun, a plasma rifle, a rocket launcher and a BFG along with all the ammo needed to slaughter enemies by the bushel? I maintain that he isn't actually running from location to location, he's staggering, exhausted and on the verge of a hernia and a heart attack. Of course games like Quake, Turok, and even Medal of Honor (to a lesser extent) have carried on this tradition. They even boast about the number of different weapons you can carry!

Nor is it just the RPG's and FPS's of the video gaming world that have their oddities. Take Expendable, for example. Well, judging from player reaction you probably won't, but that's your loss. However I digress. Every level in Expendable has a timer. When time runs out, your mothership attempts to complete your mission for you by means of an orbital bombardment. This bombardment can reach you regardless of your location. Now I figure if you can be killed by such an assault when deep underground, surely the weapon used can reach inside the alien ships and blast them there. In other words, why send a single, recently-hatched soldier into battle when you can safely hit the area from orbit? While I'm on the subject of DC games, consider also the recently released Armada. Armada takes the random encounter concept of an RPG and expands on it to the nth degree. Everytime you blast an enemy ship...or whatever they are...they release money into space which you pick up and spend later. Now why is a completely alien race carrying money into battle, and why is it coin of the realm? As Steve Watkins pointed out, why do you have to pay for upgrades to your ship in the first place, when you're the sole defender of the human races? Wouldn't a little logistical support be in order? Incidentally, Steve, thanks for the idea that lead to this article.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject of Armada, why is it that you can't kick the ass of your allies when their information gets you fragged? I mean, I wouldn't be too happy if a quest for serenity turned into a firefight, especially when one of your own allies advised you to go there. Really, they're a bunch of smug *@#$@%^#. You go out and get medieval on some poor alien race only to get one of these ivory tower elitists telling you that "I'm the best fighter in the universe, but I must stay and defend the homeworld". Oh yeah! Guess what. Duelling just became legal again! Try this out for size. Another of these people tells you on one occasion that he "fantasises about blowing the Armada to pieces by your side. Is that wrong?" Nope. Feel free to come out and try it out for yourself. Fulfill your fantasy pal!

You should be getting my drift by now. I've touched on games for the Dreamcast, PSX and N64 and I could go on for much longer about those features of video games that when you think about it, are just plain irrational, if not downright stupid, even in the good ones. Take, for my final example, Metal Gear Solid. Not only does it suffer from golf bag syndrome, but everyone seems obliged to tell Snake their life story in excruciating detail while he's stuck in a ventilation shaft or about to kill someone. Either that or flirt with him...or bemoan their poor psychology...or apologise for betraying Snake again. Were I Solid Snake, I'd retire more effectively next time, just to avoid the chitchat, but I guess he won't. Anyway at this point it's your turn. Let us know what features you have found to be completely irrational in a video game.